None of that “New Year, New Me” bullshit, and no apologies for not writing when I swore I was going to write. I’m just going to warn you right now, this is not a blog post worth reading. Stay tuned for witty reflections on life and “adulthood” (note the quotes), but this post is just me over-using the word “shitty.”
Lately I’ve been feeling… disconnected. I keep thinking of all the people I know and what a shitty job I’ve been doing at keeping in touch with them, and at the same time, about the shitty job I’ve done meeting new people and attempting to build friendships with those people. (Can you say, “run on sentence”?) To all of my friends and acquaintances whom I have sort of ignored – sorry! And I really am. It will probably come as no surprise to you that I am a bit self-involved. And although I do genuinely wonder what you are up to, and wish that we could talk more or hang out more, I never really put the effort in to do that. Partly this is because I am selfish and partly it is because I prefer the other people to make the plans because then I am more confident that people want to hang out with me instead of just coming along with me because I asked. So maybe it’s less about being self-involved and more about being lazy and insecure. I do sort of think laziness is a form of selfishness, because it’s certainly not acting in consideration of anyone else.
Anyway, I’m not lonely. I’m an ambivert, so I’m perfectly happy being alone or around people. I spend most of my time with my co-workers, and I do like them. But I don’t really do a whole lot, other than work. Although there are a few people I can call up if I really want to go out and do something, I haven’t tried very hard to make more friends. Every time I RSVP to go to a meet-up group, I end up changing my mind at the last minute. Usually because I’m lazy but this time, because I genuinely feel kinda crappy and sick.
I’ve lived here for more than six months and frankly, I’m ashamed of myself. Because I know it takes time, and the problem is that it also takes effort and I’ve made a shitty go of it.
I’m not good at making friends, and I’m not good at maintaining the friendships I already have. But I feel disconnected and I miss my people and I would really like to meet new, additional people. So I guess this is about a resolution after all, because dammit I’m going to try harder this year.
Starting next week when I no longer have a cold.