What a weird place I’m in at the moment. Mere months away from graduating college, I’m facing the biggest change of my entire life so far. I’ve got a job lined up – that’s the exciting bit. That’s the huge sigh of relief at the end of every day. That’s the weight that would have broken me down but instead reminds me that things are going to work out. Don’t worry. I’m completely aware of how lucky I am.
But because of this, I find I’m in this strange flux of wishing time away but also wishing it to slow. I’ve been wishing for the weather to warm, for things to hurry up and happen. I spend more and more time thinking about moving, and how I am I going to move, and where will I live, and who will I live with, and will I actually like the job I’ve been offered?
But shit. I don’t want to be wishing away my last semester of university. And fuck, I’m going to miss Bloomington. I already do. I miss the autumn Farmer’s Market, though I rarely woke early enough to attend. I miss the red and orange leaves. I miss walking around on surprisingly mild fall days and seeing so many people. I’m going to miss not buying tickets for Lotus Fest, but going anyway, to see the street performers. I’m going to miss watching huge packs of Freshman walking around at night, searching for a party to attend. I’m going to miss how on the first truly warm day of Spring semester, everyone suddenly wakes up from their hibernation to play frisbee or football or just to lay in the sun. I’m going to miss the pure joy I feel, walking around campus on a sunny day, iPod spouting my favorite songs.
I almost wish that I were looking toward graduation with dread. At least then, maybe I’d be taking advantage of what little time I’ve got left. I’d be squeezing Bloomington and the surrounding area of every potential memory or experience. I haven’t been. I regret it already. Why did I sit inside most of this long weekend?? Regret doesn’t change the past, but it can inspire you to change the way you behave in the future.
I want to go outside more. I want to take more walks. I want to talk to more people. Yes, it’s pretty fucking cold. But it’s going to get warmer.
I always make these giant claims, these promises to myself. I’ve promised myself to start running, to spend less time on the computer, to read as much as I used to, to write more. I’m not very good at holding myself to things, which is one reason why my New Years’ Resolutions were/are so vague. I don’t know. I’ll try at this, at least.
Bloomington was the first place I’ve lived that felt as alive as I did… do.