Lost Notes

Right now I’m sitting on an air mattress waiting for my parents to arrive with all of my stuff. My new bedroom walls are grey (which is a good thing, I’m obsessed with the color grey right now), and my suitcase is serving as a makeshift bedside table/ desk. Soon my room will be filled with stuff I mostly don’t need, a few things I do, and the mementos I delicately packed of all my life up ’till now.

Some of you may know that my computer decided to crash a measly two days before my move. By that I mean my hard drive failed. I had (and still have) an external hard drive in my Amazon shopping cart, but that didn’t do me much good. Every thing I had saved on my computer is gone. My music. Everything I’ve written in the past 4 years. My photos.

I’m pretty sure that I have some things saved on USB drives, but I don’t know what things I have saved or where said USBs are. I guess when I unpack, those are some of the things I’ll find.

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect though. I’m done with school, so the papers I’ve written don’t really matter anymore. Sure, I would like to have record of them, but they aren’t necessary. The stories saved don’t really add up to much either. Maybe with their loss, I’ll even feel compelled to start again.

I’m sad about the music. More sad than I am about the photos, because most of those are on Facebook. Although I am not musically talented, music is extremely important to me. The music I listen to reflects very concretely the mental state that I am in. I listen to sad music when I’m sad, and happy music when I’m happy. A song plays, by coincidence, at the exact right moment, and suddenly you can never hear the song without remembering where you were at the moment. Who you were with, how you felt. What you were thinking. Or, a song comes on the radio and though you’ve heard it a thousand times before, you’ve never heard it when you felt the way you do now.. Suddenly the song is transformed, from a song you like to a song that represents, in better poetry than you could ever imagine, exactly how you feel.

I no longer have that record, that musical memory. I no longer possess a collected list of all the songs I’ve loved since the summer before my Freshman year in college. Lately, I ‘skipped’ more songs than I played, but I miss that music. I miss the songs I got from friends, from boys I liked, from the websites of favorite bands.

The timing for my hard drive failing was actually quite profound… I’m starting a new chapter of my life. I’m regenerating, as I have said many times before. I guess my computer crashing is like my TARDIS getting redesigned. I still have those memories, somewhere, but they will be a little harder to reach and it won’t seem quite the same when I find them.

Now I get to start again.

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