Category Archives: Uncategorized

A whole lot of nothing.

None of that “New Year, New Me” bullshit, and no apologies for not writing when I swore I was going to write. I’m just going to warn you right now, this is not a blog post worth reading. Stay tuned for witty reflections on life and “adulthood” (note the quotes), but this post is just me over-using the word “shitty.”

Lately I’ve been feeling… disconnected. I keep thinking of all the people I know and what a shitty job I’ve been doing at keeping in touch with them, and at the same time, about the shitty job I’ve done meeting new people and attempting to build friendships with those people. (Can you say, “run on sentence”?) To all of my friends and acquaintances whom I have sort of ignored – sorry! And I really am. It will probably come as no surprise to you that I am a bit self-involved. And although I do genuinely wonder what you are up to, and wish that we could talk more or hang out more, I never really put the effort in to do that. Partly this is because I am selfish and partly it is because I prefer the other people to make the plans because then I am more confident that people want to hang out with me instead of just coming along with me because I asked. So maybe it’s less about being self-involved and more about being lazy and insecure. I do sort of think laziness is a form of selfishness, because it’s certainly not acting in consideration of anyone else.

Anyway, I’m not lonely. I’m an ambivert, so I’m perfectly happy being alone or around people.  I spend most of my time with my co-workers, and I do like them. But I don’t really do a whole lot, other than work. Although there are a few people I can call up if I really want to go out and do something, I haven’t tried very hard to make more friends.  Every time I RSVP to go to a meet-up group, I end up changing my mind at the last minute. Usually because I’m lazy but this time, because I genuinely feel kinda crappy and sick.

I’ve lived here for more than six months and frankly, I’m ashamed of myself. Because I know it takes time, and the problem is that it also takes effort and I’ve made a shitty go of it.

I’m not good at making friends, and I’m not good at maintaining the friendships I already have. But I feel disconnected and I miss my people and I would really like to meet new, additional people. So I guess this is about a resolution after all, because dammit I’m going to try harder this year.

Starting next week when I no longer have a cold.


On “Being Yourself”

I’m quite certain that every one has been offered the advice to “be yourself” at one point in their life. Usually, at the point in which this advice is given, it is also the most useless piece of advice you could ever hope not to receive. “Who the hell is ‘myself’??” teenage you wonders. 

How are you supposed to be yourself, if you don’t know who you are, really? 

Being yourself is incredibly difficult when you aren’t sure who precisely that is. There are so many pressures from peers and society that it is easy to lose “yourself” and become what others expect or want you to be instead of what everyone keeps telling you to be (yourself).

Somewhere in the last couple years of college, and even more so now, in the Real World, I stopped asking myself this question. Because I know who I am. I don’t have words to define it, really. I could provide a long list of adjectives that are probably more flattering than I really deserve, but that’s not really adequate. 

Anyway, my point is that it’s funny how hard I once tried to fit in, and to be the kind of person I thought other people would want to be friends with, when I’m so much happier now than I was then and I don’t try nearly as hard. Because despite how meaningless the advice seems when you are young, it really is the best suggestion out there. It might take a while before you learn who you are, when you do, it’s the only way to be.


I’m writing this in the morning, about ten minutes before I have to leave for work, so this will be a quick one.

I have kickball on Thursday nights, which means that by the time I get home, at 11:00 or so, I’m so freaking exhausted that it is all I can do to throw myself in the shower and then throw myself in to bed.

I miss always getting enough sleep. It’s impossible to do anything remotely fun and also get enough sleep. I know people, who, even now, as adults manage to stay awake until 2am and still function at work the next morning, but I am not one of those people.

If only I could have just one more hour of sleep, and get to stay in bed until 8:45 instead of 7:45, I think that all of my issues would be solved, and I’d be cheery and happy in the mornings, but I know this to be untrue. The only thing that makes me cheery in the mornings, is sunshine and good music on my walk to the metro, and even that doesn’t always do the trick.

Hopefully I’ll remember to post this tonight. I don’t want to fail BEDO on Day Three.

The Five Things I Miss Most About College

I could get in to all sorts of specifics; I miss people and places and Bloomington itself… But I’m going to stick to vagaries this time. 

5. Myriad social opportunities.
Believe them when they tell you how difficult it is to make friends outside of college. It’s not so challenging to meet people; there are people everywhere, provided you put in the effort and join an activity or club or just socialize at work. Still, it is difficult to really get to know people well enough to confide in them. Even in college, it took a fair amount of time for me to make real friends, but I get the feeling that it’s going to be a long time before I have a solid “friend group.”

Living in a dorm had its ups and downs, but there was no other time in my life when I could just walk down the hall or to the main quad to find some like-minded, cool people to talk to. After moving, I don’t really have a person to talk who can cheer me up when I’m having an off day, whereas in school, there were people all around me who could cheer me up.

4. Your time being your own.
Here’s a thing I never really appreciated during school. Your time belongs to you. Yes, most of the time you have a million things to do, and not enough hours in the day to get them done, but the only person who watched over whether or not you got all your shit done was you. 

Sure, you have two papers due within 20 hours of one another, but if you want to watch a movie instead of working on them, you can. No one is there, standing over you to make sure you get it done. Now, working full-time is like having a lackadaisical babysitter with really high expectations watch over you for 8 hours a day. They don’t pay super close attention to what you’re doing at all times, but you can feel people start to pay attention when you’re not performing as well as you should.

I spend a good portion of my free time trying to figure out what kind of job I can get where I can work whatever hours I want and not have to report to anyone on a regular basis, and so far the only thing I can think of is “author,” so we’ll see how that works out…

3. Staying up and sleeping in late
I haven’t seen the hours between midnight and 4am in a really, really long time. I have, however, seen the hours between 5 and 7am. I used to sleep in until 1pm on a Sunday. Now, I wake up VOLUNTARILY at 9:30am on weekends. Don’t wanna waste that precious weekend daylight.

2. Reading
You groan now when you think about the 150 pages you have to read for tomorrow, but I genuinely miss reading all of those fairly mind-numbing articles and textbooks. There’s something to be said for studying and making connections with your brain. I feel like I never really think deeply anymore, which is one of the saddest realizations I’ve had since graduating. I’m reading more for fun, but I find that the “fun” books I’m reading are not nearly as stimulating as the reading I was doing before. Guess I’ve got to pick up the latest Malcolm Gladwell…

1. Intellectual discussions.
Since moving out here and starting work, I can count the number of real discussions I’ve had on one hand. This being DC, I know that there are plenty of intelligent conversations going on in this city, I just haven’t been able to get myself entrenched in any yet. This is part of the reason I’m incredibly tempted to go back to school, although I have no idea what I want to study (or really, what I want to do with the rest of my life). 

Stay tuned for when I’m in a better mood and write “The Things I Don’t Miss About College.” Trust me, there are many.


So I decided this morning that I would make every effort to blog every day in October. Partially because I haven’t blogged in ages, and partially because I really want to do NaNoWriMo this year, and it will be a lot easier if I get into the habit of writing again.

So, here I am. I’ve been up to lots of things, but I’m not going to explain everything right here and now, because I am most definitely going to run out of things to write about soon, probably by the end of the week, and I want to keep those locked away for when times get desperate.

I went to Trader Joe’s today after work, because my day was an “I need a glass of wine after this” sort of day. Naturally, it being Trader Joe’s, I came home with a fair bit more than just a bottle of “Two Buck Chuck.”

Unfortunately, I’m now drinking beer instead of wine because my Corkscrew BROKE whilst trying to get the damn bottle open. The cork is still securing keeping the wine fresh, but who knows how the hell I’m going to get the wine out of there when the time comes. Perhaps I’ll have a wine-tastic evening one of the nights this weekend, since there’s no way I’ll get the cork out with out completely destroying it. I knew I should have tried to find a screw-top bottle…

And the pre-made Indian food I bought on a whim, well somehow it’s less Butter Chicken, and more Butter Chicken Soup.

I also bought a butternut squash. I only know how to make one dish involving butternut squash, and it also involves sweet potatoes, of which I have none. So, guess who’s going back to the store tomorrow?! MEeee! Let’s see, I went to Giant yesterday, Trader Joe’s today. If I go to Whole Foods tomorrow, I just need to find a Safeway for Thursday and Target on Friday and then I will have hit all of the grocery stores in this area that I’ve heard of.
So this was a downer of a first post for… BEDO? Sure, yeah BEDO. Damn, I could have done this in September and it would have been BEDS… Oh well, you live and learn.

Here’s to a better October than the day I had!