Hello there. Once again, I feel obliged to inform those of you that care that I am, in fact, alive.
I’ve been here a month and a half, if you can believe it. The four weeks of training for work, which once seemed like an incredibly long time, are now over, and in the morning I will have my first day of actual non-training work. Cool.
It’s strange knowing that being here… it’s not permanent, but it’s the closest to permanent I’ve had in a long, long time. I’m here indefinitely. I could leave, if I found somewhere else to go, if I found another job or decided to go to grad school after all… More and more people keep telling me that I’ll end up having to go to grad school eventually. We’ll see, but for the time being, and for the foreseeable future, I’ll be here. It’s not like college, which though at times seemed like it would never end, was always only going to be four years.
I might be here for a year, or two years, or ten years, but the fact that there is no definite end in sight makes me feel just a bit trapped. It doesn’t help that I haven’t really felt at home here in these six weeks. Not like Bloomington, which felt like home immediately or Canterbury, a city I loved after having spent mere hours there when I was 17.
I won’t say I’m not happy here. I don’t know yet. Certainly at the moment, I feel a little lost. A little lonely. A little homesick. Certainly at the moment I’m wondering why the hell I decided to do this. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t find my place. It is absolutely vital that I do, or I’ll continue to be a little lost, a little lonely. I’d much rather be other things.
All my life, I’ve been pretty independent. I don’t like relying on other people. I don’t like asking for favors or help. Sometimes that gets me in to trouble, but for the most part, I’m self-sufficient. Or I thought I was. Being here, being so incredibly isolated, so unsure of myself… it’s about more than just being independent. Because I am independent. I don’t need help figuring out the Metro, yes thank you that’s what a smart phone is for. If I want to go do something, I’ll figure out what to do and how to get there. I don’t need help. I don’t need people to accompany me to the grocery, or the mall, or some stupid Fourth of July Festival at which The Verve Pipe is playing.
But it would be nice.
So… I need to put myself out there more. Talk to people. Try to make friends, which involves getting over my crippling fear of rejection, so that will be an adventure… Sometimes I just want to scream and shout because WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!
But I chose this. I could have played it safe and stayed in Indiana or Ohio. I wanted adventure. I wanted change. My favorite mantra, the one that has served me best, in multiple situations, is “no reward without risk.” I just have to push myself harder and keep doing the things that scare me. It’s easy to get stuck playing it safe, but that’s not who I want to be.