Tag Archives: Moving

I’m still alive.

Hello there. Once again, I feel obliged to inform those of you that care that I am, in fact, alive.

I’ve been here a month and a half, if you can believe it. The four weeks of training for work, which once seemed like an incredibly long time, are now over, and in the morning I will have my first day of actual non-training work. Cool.

It’s strange knowing that being here… it’s not permanent, but it’s the closest to permanent I’ve had in a long, long time. I’m here indefinitely. I could leave, if I found somewhere else to go, if I found another job or decided to go to grad school after all… More and more people keep telling me that I’ll end up having to go to grad school eventually. We’ll see, but for the time being, and for the foreseeable future, I’ll be here. It’s not like college, which though at times seemed like it would never end, was always only going to be four years.

I might be here for a year, or two years, or ten years, but the fact that there is no definite end in sight makes me feel just a bit trapped. It doesn’t help that I haven’t really felt at home here in these six weeks. Not like Bloomington, which felt like home immediately or Canterbury, a city I loved after having spent mere hours there when I was 17.

I won’t say I’m not happy here. I don’t know yet. Certainly at the moment, I feel a little lost. A little lonely. A little homesick. Certainly at the moment I’m wondering why the hell I decided to do this. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t find my place. It is absolutely vital that I do, or I’ll continue to be a little lost, a little lonely. I’d much rather be other things.

All my life, I’ve been pretty independent. I don’t like relying on other people. I don’t like asking for favors or help. Sometimes that gets me in to trouble, but for the most part, I’m self-sufficient. Or I thought I was. Being here, being so incredibly isolated, so unsure of myself… it’s about more than just being independent. Because I am independent. I don’t need help figuring out the Metro, yes thank you that’s what a smart phone is for. If I want to go do something, I’ll figure out what to do and how to get there. I don’t need help. I don’t need people to accompany me to the grocery, or the mall, or some stupid Fourth of July Festival at which The Verve Pipe is playing.

But it would be nice.

So… I need to put myself out there more. Talk to people. Try to make friends, which involves getting over my crippling fear of rejection, so that will be an adventure… Sometimes I just want to scream and shout because WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!

But I chose this. I could have played it safe and stayed in Indiana or Ohio. I wanted adventure. I wanted change. My favorite mantra, the one that has served me best, in multiple situations, is “no reward without risk.” I just have to push myself harder and keep doing the things that scare me. It’s easy to get stuck playing it safe, but that’s not who I want to be.

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Just Keep Swimming

My last post was over a week ago now, and I feel inclined to tell you that I’m doing much better. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I still miss people. I still miss Bloomington, especially when I walk to and from the metro and don’t have the luxury of walking past Collins, in all it’s castle-y splendor. I also really miss the grilled cheese food truck, which when you consider the plethora of truly amazing food trucks in and around DC, just proves how much I love(d) that Momma Smacker sandwich. My mouth is watering just thinking about it…

Yes, I still miss a great many things, but I am doing better. Work is actually far more interesting than I initially expected. I don’t plan on going in to much detail about work… I don’t want to get in to the habit of bitching and moaning about things only to have someone, either my superviser or a client of the company see it. Let’s just say, in the vaguest of ways, that my job entails helping people make money though information which I will input into a database. It makes me a bit uncomfortable, to be honest, but at least I know that the company is not likely to go under any time soon.

My training class at work is made up of 23 others, most of whom have also only just graduated college and are starting their first Real Job. Most of them are quite nice, and there are a few of them I would even like to become actual friends with.

There is something slightly pathetic about spending eight hours sitting in front of a computer, and then coming home to sit in front of one, so I’m thinking about taking up some new hobbies. If you have any suggestions for hobbies one can still be capable of before they have adjusted to working all day, please let me know. As of now, when I get bored or sick of the computer, I tend just to go to bed, even if that means I go to bed at 9:30. I never thought I would voluntarily go to bed at 9:30, but it’s just after 10pm right now, and my eyelids are starting to get veeeery heaaavyyy…

My roommate is leaving Friday to spend two months in Cambodia on an internship. I’m quite jealous of her, actually.  Leaving the country, travelling. The day of my last post marked the 0ne-year anniversary of the day I came home from England. It’s been a year since I’ve been out of the country, and I don’t know when that will change. Now that I have a job, and have a set number of vacation days, none of which will kick in until October… I don’t even know when for sure I’ll get to go home, let alone when I’ll next be able to take a big trip. There is, however, the possibility that I might be able to transfer to the Glasgow office of the company I’m working for. The possibility excites me, because living in the UK is just about the best thing I can think of. Then again, I also dread having to sell or store all of the furniture I just bought, and then replacing it when I found a place to live in Scotland… It doesn’t do much good to think about right now, I’m not even eligible for at least 6 months, and that’s only if there will still be openings at that point.

But since my roommate is headed to Asia, I will be spending the next two months living alone; something I have never actually done before. Hopefully I won’t go crazy, BUT if you’re worried about me going crazy, a great way to help me in this would be to VISIT ME.

Seriously. I’m not joking. I have an air mattress. There is a sofa big enough to sleep on. And if we are really, really good friends I might even consider letting you sleep on my bed. Yep, I’m that desperate for visitors. Seriously. My two conditions are that only one or two people come at a time, and that I know both people pretty well. I’m not running a hotel, after all.

In summation: I’m doing better this week, but I still miss everything/one. I don’t hate my life or anyone in it. I find it very difficult to stay up past 10pm. PLEASE visit me.

XOXO, Gossip Girl

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Lost Notes

Right now I’m sitting on an air mattress waiting for my parents to arrive with all of my stuff. My new bedroom walls are grey (which is a good thing, I’m obsessed with the color grey right now), and my suitcase is serving as a makeshift bedside table/ desk. Soon my room will be filled with stuff I mostly don’t need, a few things I do, and the mementos I delicately packed of all my life up ’till now.

Some of you may know that my computer decided to crash a measly two days before my move. By that I mean my hard drive failed. I had (and still have) an external hard drive in my Amazon shopping cart, but that didn’t do me much good. Every thing I had saved on my computer is gone. My music. Everything I’ve written in the past 4 years. My photos.

I’m pretty sure that I have some things saved on USB drives, but I don’t know what things I have saved or where said USBs are. I guess when I unpack, those are some of the things I’ll find.

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect though. I’m done with school, so the papers I’ve written don’t really matter anymore. Sure, I would like to have record of them, but they aren’t necessary. The stories saved don’t really add up to much either. Maybe with their loss, I’ll even feel compelled to start again.

I’m sad about the music. More sad than I am about the photos, because most of those are on Facebook. Although I am not musically talented, music is extremely important to me. The music I listen to reflects very concretely the mental state that I am in. I listen to sad music when I’m sad, and happy music when I’m happy. A song plays, by coincidence, at the exact right moment, and suddenly you can never hear the song without remembering where you were at the moment. Who you were with, how you felt. What you were thinking. Or, a song comes on the radio and though you’ve heard it a thousand times before, you’ve never heard it when you felt the way you do now.. Suddenly the song is transformed, from a song you like to a song that represents, in better poetry than you could ever imagine, exactly how you feel.

I no longer have that record, that musical memory. I no longer possess a collected list of all the songs I’ve loved since the summer before my Freshman year in college. Lately, I ‘skipped’ more songs than I played, but I miss that music. I miss the songs I got from friends, from boys I liked, from the websites of favorite bands.

The timing for my hard drive failing was actually quite profound… I’m starting a new chapter of my life. I’m regenerating, as I have said many times before. I guess my computer crashing is like my TARDIS getting redesigned. I still have those memories, somewhere, but they will be a little harder to reach and it won’t seem quite the same when I find them.

Now I get to start again.

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Going, going, gone.

Well I’m here. I’m at my parents’ house. I won’t call it home, because it’s not. It hasn’t been home for a while now.. I left my home this morning and who knows when I’ll find a new one. Hopefully, I’ll at least have a residence by the time I start my job…

I promise that when I get to DC, this blog will morph in to something more interesting than me being sad about the end of college. That’s pretty much all this thing has been since January. But for now, I’m stuck in Ohio, and there’s not much to do but sit at home on my computer. I may as well do something mildy productive, and write…

This morning was rough. It took far longer to move all of my stuff down the three and a half flights of stairs to my car than I expected. I lost track of how many trips it took, but my legs are sore now, only 4 hours later, so let’s just say there were many.

As predicted, I reenacted the Tenth Doctor’s regeneration scene:

There were considerably more tears though.. In fact, it would be fair to say I looked more like this:

Or even this:

Yeah, definitely that last one.

I’ve calmed down now though. I had a three hour drive to dry my tears and gather my thoughts. College is behind me now. In time, and in space (if you consider a place west of you as being “behind” you, Indiana is west of Ohio).

College was everything I wanted it to be in none of the ways I expected. And it sucks, it sucks to have left that place behind. College is the best thing I’ve done so far, but I’m only 22 – I haven’t done that much. The best years of my life are ahead of me.

I’m about to embark on this huge adventure and, yes, I do think I’m being brave. I’m scared as shit, but I’m going. I never, for even a minute, seriously considered not going after the decision had been made. There were moments when I wished I weren’t going. Or times when I wished I had more time… but I always knew I would go.

College was where I learned to love myself. Sometimes we still get in arguments and there are certainly times when I hate myself, but for the most part, we’re pretty happy together. It was where I learned to rely on other people instead of always being independent and shut off. It was where I learned to ask for help when I needed it. I also learned more than I care to explain about the Indians of Indiana, Dante’s Inferno, oh, and finite math. Well, I’m not actually sure I learned anything about finite, now that I think about it…

The fact that I am so sad to have left Bloomington and the people I love in Indiana is just a testament to how happy I was there. It’s only sad to leave a place you liked, a place that is attached to happy memories. I daren’t quote Dr. Seuss, but it’s true… I’m so grateful that it simply happened.

I’ll see you again.

This isn’t goodbye, not really.

I love you, keep in touch.

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Changing Perspective

I’ve been looking at things the wrong way.

For the past month, I’ve been sad when I should be happy. I’ve been so worried about leaving that I haven’t considered the fact that I’m going. Yes, it’s true. I have loved my time in Bloomington and at IU. I will be saying goodbye to lots of friends and meaningful places.

Things are going to be different, and I’m scared. But since when has being scared of something ever been a good reason not to do it, not to run towards it? It’s like when you jump off something high – you have to get a running start.

I’m moving to a city. A huge, important city, with history, and people that matter. Maybe I’ll get lost in the shuffle, but wasn’t I afraid of the same thing when I came to IU? I know that, just as I did here, I will find my way out. I’ll find my niche, even if it takes a while.

I’ve always had this problem… I get stuck in the past, stuck thinking about all the things I’m going to miss instead of all the new things I’m going to love. I’ll meet new people, make new friends. And it will be hard. But I will feel that much stronger for having done so.

There are concerts in DC, and bars, and a fast-paced lifestyle. Public transportation that doesn’t suck. There are museums that I vow not to take for granted. I’ll go to the Smithsonian once a week for the first month. I’ll go on the White House tour until I get on one that’s surprised by the President and the First Lady. I’ll go to NPR Tiny Desk Concerts. I’ll go see live comedy, and live music and plays. I’ll take a train to New York City, or Boston, or Philly or wherever. I’ll rent a car and go to Polyface Farms for freshly slaughtered chicken (I’ll try not to think about it when I’m eating).

For the first time since the beginning of January when I was offered the job, I am really and truly excited to move. It’s going to be scary, and it’s going to be difficult. Saying goodbye is going to suck. But if I plan to enjoy all of the time I’ve got left (and I do) it will be a lot easier if I’m not moody and sad half of the time.

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